Kryptonite: Exposing a weakness does not guarantee defeat.

God speaks to us in many different ways. Sometimes it is through a professional person like a pastor or counselor.  Sometimes, it’s through a speaker or friend sharing a personal story. And sometimes it’s through Superman.

Yes. Apparently God speaks to me through Superheroes. 

(See my previous post about Wonder Woman)

There was a period of time where I was seeking some professional counseling for some issues with stress, letting go of past hurts, and personal challenges. In one session, I was talking about a family member and their struggles with anxiety and fears. The counselor made a light hearted, but somewhat sarcastic comment to the effect of "And you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" as if I had already made this comparison/connection to myself.

It struck me in that moment. Pause. What did he mean by that?

I never realized how much I lived in fear and anxiety, over so many things. I started noticing nervous habits like picking at my nails, or jetting my eyes around instead of direct eye contact, wiggling my foot, all while smiling, 'pretending' to be confident, etc. And I say "pretending" because I became so good at self-soothing that *I* didn't even know I was anxious MOST of the time. It was my normal.

So now I was aware of my weakness.  Now what? 

I have been trying to catch myself. Ok. What is going on? Why do I feel anxious? Is it real fear or irrational? Is this a legit concern or am I being a Mother What If-er?

With this new awareness, I try hard to check myself… for God did not give us a spirit of fear.

Recently, I was  at a conference and  Pastor Debbie Kaplan was talking about her son being a Navy Seal. She said he told her that when they are doing special operations, they have to understand their enemy inside and out. They live among them, learn their culture, learn their religion, their way of life, their language, their belief system, their habits. They infiltrate their lives and understand their enemy so well that they have little chance of being surprised by an attack because they can anticipate it. They KNOW it is coming and how they might attack. She then reminded that we have a spiritual Enemy that wants to steal, kill and destroy us. So our enemy studies us and looks for our weaknesses. He is oh so patient, and will wait years for the prime moment to attack us in a big way to take us down. It was a great comparison. It is a battle.

More specifically the battle is often between the self we want to be and the self we were in our past. Or maybe it is the self we know we are and the self we were told we were through insults, lies, neglect, or abuse.  I feel pretty certain that there isn’t a person alive that has not been in one of these battles.

So what can we do about it? (And what does Superman have to do with it? Hang on… almost there...)

Like the Seals, we can be prepared for the attack if we understand what the Enemy is trying to do, which is infiltrate OUR lives…our beliefs, our habits, our language, our culture, our religion, to expose and remind us of those places we don't measure up, or doubt, or fail God's Will for our lives. The thoughts will take hold when we are weak in any of these areas. So we have to know our own weakness, because you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. And you can't ask God to step in until they are revealed.

Now be warned…paying attention will make all those weak areas begin to rise to the surface- one-by one- like little tortellini pastas floating to the top of a boiling pot. Soon you may feel like you are more weak than strong.  Full of little Kryptonite-filled tortellini.

When this happens, first remember 2Cor 12:9  “My Grace is sufficient for you. My Strength is made perfect in weakness.” Then think about Superman.

Recently there was a debate on Facebook about who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman. (I know. But these are the things people discuss on social media. LOL)

So, I chimed in with my Superman vote and read the arguments for each side. Batman fans would acknowledge Superman's strengths and then mention of his ONE weakness… Kryptonite. Then there was a line in a rebuttal that struck me again.

 "Exposing a weakness does not guarantee defeat."  

Wow. Immediately, I thought of our victory in Christ and the verse ‘I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.’ Phil 4:13 Then I thought about my realization of my own weakness of anxiety and fears. Once I was aware of my weakness, I was better prepared to examine it, turn it over to God and let Him be strong or flat out rebuke my worry as a lie. I may still have the weakness but the enemy doesn’t get to use it against me like he did. I’m on to his battle tactics and I know my weak areas! 

Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that trap again!

I’m sure you have ample time and opportunity to think about and be reminded of your weaknesses. I’m sure other people are quick to remind you of them, too. Maybe, like me, for the first time you are beginning to see those areas for yourself. The enemy tries to steal your freedom, destroy your family and kill all you are supposed to be by exploiting those weak areas. Some battles he wins.

Sweet friends, you are still here and so the war is not over.

Ultimately we know that Christ is victorious on our behalf so we will always win when we belong to Him! You can now recognize them and that secret enemy plot can be thwarted a little easier! 

So the weakness is exposed. Well, exposing a weakness doesn't guarantee defeat. 

Keep Shining, 

XOXO Sheila

NO WATER? Five Easy Steps to contacting the Water Authority

Let's say you wake up in the morning and your water is out. The faucets run dry. The toilet won't fill. No shower today.

This is a problem. And you need to call the Water Authority to get your water fixed. 

There are steps you must take to get results. There is a thought process involved. " Who do I call?  I need to call the Water Authority. I've got to look up the number. I need a pencil and paper to write down notes. I need some quiet so I can hear. I need someone on the other end to provide a solution."

Guess what? THE STEPS TO HEARING GOD ARE THE SAME! 

Many think He can't or He won't or they just don't hear Him. Maybe you believe it CAN happen, but just not to you. Or maybe you want it, but just don't know how to make it happen. We make it complicated and hard but it's really just like making an important phone call. Like when your water is out. We've all done that.

So Here is how to contact the "Water Authority" in Five Easy Steps 

1) YOU MUST GET QUIET AND ALONE SO YOU CAN HEAR. If you have to make in important call, you get somewhere where you can hear. You tell the kids to be quiet because you have to concentrate. "We have no water, for crying out loud. This is the priority right now. *You must quiet the world so you can hear, process and understand. Eliminate distractions, make it the priority and be intentional about it. Be Still. (See Psalm 46:10)

2) YOU MUST DO YOUR JOB and INTENTIONALLY ASK GOD TO TALK TO YOU. You dial the number and expect the Water Authority will answer. Although the water company CAN call you and they might like to hear from you, they aren't going to call every person each day and say " Hey, Is your water on? Ok. talk to you tomorrow." They are trusting that they have done their job( providing water) and you are doing yours( paying the bill). The framework of this relationship is in place via the contract.  If you need to talk about something important or have an issue, you call THEM. You know the hours of operation, and there is an emergency line for the water company, so when you dial you expect someone to answer. *God is also there 24/7, expect Him to pick up and answer. He wants to hear from you so much that He has set in place the pipelines and faucet controls to deliver fresh water to you daily. You must do your part. (See Phil 4:6)

3) YOU MUST READ THE BIBLE. When you call the Water Authority, you can talk but to solve a problem you must also listen. Sure, you can call and rant and speak your mind, but if you do that and just hang up, the problem is not solved. You are still dry as a bone and can't do life in a normal way.  Open the book. Let your instinct guide you to a passage and start reading. Things will pop out that apply to you. Be willing to see yourself/God in the words. It WILL happen. The Word is Living Water that you need to drink in as much as you can. (See John 7:38)

4) TAKE NOTES AND TRUST IN THE KNOWLEDGE.  When talking to the Water Authority, you might have to write down numbers/ names of people who can help you or appointment times. Maybe they'll give you instructions to turn off the main line or call a plumber. You might have to wait in discomfort for a bit until they can complete the repair. You might hear, "We're working on it. Be patient. We have technicians in your area." God will also give you instructions, and divine appointments. He might send a helper or technician. He might tell you to wait and ask you to live in discomfort for a time because He's working on it.  Regardless of the answer. Thank Him for His help, and trust in his Authority, Knowledge and Plan. ( See Proverbs 3:5)

5) BE GRATEFUL. Think about how we take running water for granted. Turn on the faucet. Flush the toilet. It's there. We never call the Water company and just say " hey, great job! My water came on every day this month. Thank you." Wow. Imagine if we did. Take time to thank God for His interest in you. He is with you and He cares. And he is ready to help if you need repairs. Be a loyal customer. Tell others about His excellent Customer Service. (See The whole Bible)

Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, 'Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.'" John 7:38

Wonder Woman

Growing up in the early 70's and 80's, one of my favorite shows was Wonder Woman. 

She was an Amazonian princess that came to America to live as a demure, conservative teacher by day and a crime fighter by night! Diana Prince (played by former Miss World USA Lynda Carter) would be going about her teacher day then encounter some trouble. Suddenly, she'd spin around in a graceful twirl and transform!

Wonder Woman! Wonder Woman!

Wonder Woman would emerge "armored up" in all her satin Red, White, and Blue righteous glory!  

Gorgeous dark locks of hair unraveled from the "teacher bun" falling over her bare shoulders. Red lips that spoke words that had been soft and gentle, now were like a sword to the enemy. Just below, a figure that had a super power all it's own.  Knee high boots fitted with a readiness for running. Gold cuff bracelets that could deflect bullets. An unbreakable and indestructible Lasso of Truth. Wonder Woman would bind the enemy with it and it compelled them to speak out the truth. 

And what princess is complete without a tiara? A symbol of her royal position and her heroic persona. It was a boomerang that she could throw to defeat bad guys and it would always come back to her.

 

All the world is waiting for you 

and the power you possess 

In your satin tights 

fighting for your rights 

And the old red white and blue 

Wonder Woman!

Wonder Woman!

All the world is waiting for you
and the power you possess
In your satin tights
fighting for your rights
And the old red white and blue


Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/wonder-woman/wonder-woman-theme-song-lyrics/#1mkjBKyahRjlx3mB.99

Man! I loved that! Every possible ideal of a woman plus super powers. I was a mesmerized little girl. It made an indelible mark on my little girl consciousness that a woman could be feminine, smart, strong and fight injustice. And she was a teacher- my real life heroes- so I began to look at my educators with a new eye and a playful suspicion of a secret life. 

I would put on my Wonder Woman Underoos (c'mon you know you had some)and spin around, "transforming". Jumping off porch stairs with athletic flair, deflecting invisible bullets with my bracelets and use my 'jump rope of truth' to capture 'bad guys' (an inflatable kid's punching bag with sand at the bottom).

Oh! How I longed to grow up to be like Wonder Woman. Beautiful. Strong. Powerful. Fighter of Justice. Beholder of Truth. 

Now the world is ready for you, 

and the wonders you can do. 

Make a hawk a dove, 

Stop a war with love, 

Make a liar tell the truth. 

Funny, how the world can make you forget your super powers. Make you forget who you really are and the wonders you can do. Too many hawks. Not enough love. Lies become truths.

 

 It's time to transform, Princess....

                                             "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 

                                                Therefore put on the full armor of God,

so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,   which is the word of God." Ephesians 6:10

Wonder Woman, 

Get us out from under, Wonder Woman. 

All our hopes are pinned on you. 

And the magic that you do. 

Stop a bullet cold, 

Make the Axis fall, 

Change their minds, and change the world. 

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman. 

You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.

Yes, I am. And yes you are. A Princess of royal position and heroic persona.

 So armor up, Beauty. We've got evil to fight. 

*And if you need a reminder like I do, print out this paper doll and color it to look like you.( when I did mine I had blond hair) Laminate it and use it as a bookmark for your Bible. Write Ephesians 6:10 on the back and remind yourself to "armor up". And just like Wonder Woman's boomerang tiara,  if you lose a battle, you can always come back to Jesus. 

 

. 

Eating Invisible Cake

It makes no logical sense. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Roman 7:15


Eating Well:  I feel physically better when I eat well. Young. My energy level soars. My gut feels better. I don't need allergy medicine. My chronic sinus infections go away.My mood is better. I look better and feel sexier and can fit into my jeans.That improves confidence and that affects my everything! I want to be out in the world talking to people. I'm Tiny and Shiny and I feel like this guy.

Eating Poorly: I feel physically tired, sluggish. Old. My joints ache. I feel bloated. My head is stuffy, and my skin is itchy. I look frumpy and I feel less than sexy and can't fit into my clothes. That destroys my confidence and that affects my everything. I feel shame and want to hide from the world. I am depressed and pensive and feel like this guy.

I am on a journey this year to figure out more of the puzzle of why I keep circling this mountain.

The first is a realization and admission that there is an addictive element to this. This isn't JUST about perseverance and will power. I'm not sure what it is totally about for me, (likely a variety of things), but like an alcoholic that drinks even after he's destroyed his marriage and gotten a DUI and lost his job and ruined his liver, all the negative consequences are not enough to stop me from choosing unhealthy foods. And even if I DO manage to make a healthy choice, I want the bad foods.

A few months ago I heard this news,
"In depth studies show that consuming SUGAR has the same effects on the body as taking HEROIN and COCAINE."
Sugar produces the same "high," dependence, cravings, and withdrawal symptoms as illegal drugs"



Really? SUGAR? Comparable to heroin, or cocaine? On one hand, I can believe it. I picture myself in the times I have decided " WE need to eat healthier. So NO MORE JUNK" and thrown out all the sweet stuff in the house. There is nothing but fruits and veggies to be found. Then *I* NEED a sugar "fix' and scour the pantry only to have to settle for baking supplies. 

A half a bag of chocolate chips. Or in true desperation,  palms full of  rainbow sprinkles that are left behind from the last batch of birthday cupcakes. Or a nasty squirt of chocolate syrup right down the throat that likens me to a desperate drunk drinking mouthwash. 

I recall the frustration I feel with myself when I have had a healthy meal, been full and satisfied but still need a little "something" and go looking for dessert. Only to find it, eat it, and then feel sick because I was full in the first place. So, I have a sweet tooth. I'm a woman. We NEED chocolate. That's not addiction, right? 

Then I recalled the time I was on a diet and ate an invisible piece of cake. Yes. Invisible cake.

I had read some crazy idea of battling cravings with visualization. Pretending to eat a food that you are trying to avoid could be as satisfying as the real thing! Oh the power of the mind...

So yes, I stood in the kitchen with a real plate and fork, eating an invisible piece of chocolate cake with rich chocolate icing. Imagining the taste and texture and chewing calorie-free air.

That was the action of a desperate woman right there. And Thank God food is legal...because I'm just saying... I ate invisible cake. 

Ok. So I'm crazy. But an addict?

Addiction: noun
a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol ) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;broadly :  persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

1. compulsive- can't stop even if you want to  Yep.
2. characterized by tolerance- I can "tolerate" lots of sugar before I feel sick. Check.
3. withdrawal- When I deny myself sugar, I get headaches, and crankiness as I "detox".
4. User knows it to be harmful- DUH.

Yep. Me and biblical Paul...and everyone else in the world.

We all have something we struggle with. Maybe you don't need to eat invisible cake. Maybe it's true substance addiction in the common sense. Or maybe it's addiction to drama, self-doubt, negative thinking, gossip, anger, shopping, social media.

Call them what you want. Bad habits, tendencies, bends...sin. We all have something that takes up too much mind space, and causes us frustration and shame...whatever keeps us circling the mountain, because For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 

As they say, the first step in solving a problem is admitting it. So I admit it. I will not shame or condemn myself or be labeled by it, but it's time to get real. 

Hi. My Name is Sheila and I'm a Sugar Addict. 

The Four Words I Will Never Say Again.

Have you seen the commercial for the diet pills where there is a husband and wife in a cartoon form and the wife say something like " My husband and I decided to cut out junk food. I lost one size. My husband lost 6 sizes and well,..." and then the husband's waist shrinks dramatically and his pants fall off revealing some heart covered boxers?

Well, I think a lot of us remember that commercial because we can laugh and cry about it. We laugh because it is so true. And we cry because some people, women especially, seem to have to fight for every pound of weight loss. Others, especially men, can just decide to cut out a couple sodas a week and lose 10 lbs.

As I said in my last blog post, I have been trying to manage(lose and maintain loss) my weight for 20 years. I have really put in a LOT of money, time and effort and year after year I lose and gain and each year the number gets higher and higher. It is more than frustrating to try and fail, over and over again.  But as I said last time, Failure IS an Option , as long as you learn something along the way.

What is also frustrating is that the "rules" keep changing.

"Eat low fat. Fat makes you fat".
"No! Don't eat low fat, they take out fat and add more sugar. Fat is not the enemy, sugar is.  Sugar makes you fat. Just eat healthy fats."

"Whole grains are healthy. Buy whole grains!"
"No, No! Whole grains are not healthy. Wheat causes inflammation. GMO's! Stay away from grains. Low carb is the way to go!"

"You only need to exercise 3 times a week for 30 minutes. A brisk walk is the best exercise and all you really need."
"Nope. You need to lift weights and build muscle along with cardio. And you need to do this in a very specific pattern for muscle strength, fat loss, and heart health."

While there is some truth in all of it, the "which-way-is- the- wind- blowing- today" health advice makes me want to SCREAM!!!! And then go eat chocolate. ( Is chocolate good or bad today?)

It also made me hate naturally thin women. And gym people. And my husband who decided to "lay off Mt. Dew" two weeks and lost 12 lbs. And myself.

There is nothing worse, especially for a rule follower like me, to think you are doing the "RIGHT" thing, and get negative results and then find out from an expert that you have been doing it all wrong.

This craziness created a pattern in me and a negative, defeatist mindset. I needed an excuse or reason for my failings and lack of results. And just look around. So-and-So lost 30lbs on low-carb. And Suzy Q just cut some calories and she looks great. And skinny Minnie eats McDonald's every day and just walks around the track while her kids play soccer twice a week.

And since I'm following the rules,  The next logical conclusion is...

MY BODY HATES ME. 

What else could it be? It was the only explanation I could come up with. I was trying SO hard and getting minimal results. "My body just wants to be fat." led to  "So, why should I even try?"

____________________________________ 

These are the kinds of LIES that come to rob and steal joy like a thief in the night. 

_____________________________________

I was lying in the bathtub one night  looking down at my imperfectly naked body. My eyes started at my wiggling toes glossed in a chipped red paint called Mistress. As my eyes moved up my body I began to think differently about what I saw.

My tiny feet and thick ankles.
My chubby knees and large, lumpy thighs.
That can walk everyday fairly effortlessly and through the entire park of Universal Studios for 12 hrs. They can climb, and jump and run, too.

My wide hips and the spread of my backside.
That my hubby still playfully swats as I walk past him. That shake and shimmy as I dance to a favorite song.

My c-section scar that runs from hip bone to hip bone.
That is the marking of the pathway for the birth of my three children. 

My flabby stretch mark covered tummy.
That stretched and held and protected my babies as they grew inside my womb. That my toddlers used to pat  with two little hands as they looked up at me to get my attention." Mommy. Mommy." Pat. Pat. Pat.

My sagging breasts that are less toward my chin and more toward my armpits.
That nursed those three children but are still full and round and look sexy in a proper bra.

I looked at my arms.
That hug friends, and carry groceries, and still don't fit around my husband's broad back.

I looked at my hands.
That have taught children to write and placed bandages on boo-boos. Hands that have cleaned and scrubbed and made 1000's of meals. Hands that have been covered in flour, and glitter and vomit. Hands that come together to pray and raise high in worship. Hands that look like my mother's.

I used those hands to wash my face. Warm water splashed over it. Over my eyes and lips.
I can see. And I can hear, and I can talk and talk and talk. And laugh.

Water dripped from my nose.
I can breathe and smell.

I brushed hair out my eyes and off of my face.
 Thick and soft hair and had been every style, length and color.

I looked at a body that, for the most part, has been healthy and hasn't let me down. A body that is a vessel for me to be who I am and be out in the world doing what I am placed here to do. Equipped.

I felt sorry that I had been so mean to my body. And that I had talked badly about it and taken it for granted. And I apologized to the Creator for ever thinking He would create something that "hated" me.

I still don't always do what's best for my body. I still don't always like what I see in the mirror or bathtub. And I still struggle to be consistent with healthy choices in diet and exercise.

I still get REALLY frustrated when the "rules" change AGAIN. ( I lost my mind when a Facebook friend recently commented on my Kale chips picture that some people with thyroid problems shouldn't eat kale chips.  WHAT?!? Now KALE CHIPS are bad? They are freaking green vegetables! I was nearly homocidial.)

But I have a new appreciation for my body. Just the way it is. And when I get frustrated I think about what I used to say. Those four words that are a lie and will never come out of my mouth again because I don't believe that lie anymore.

My body is a gift and it DOES NOT hate me.




*I hope that you will try to change your perspective despite how you look and what you like or don't like about your body. Stick with me here on Oh Snickelfritz! as we support each other in truths. 
Love, Sheila

Failure IS an option....

In an earlier post, I talked about reflecting on goals from the past year. So let's reflect...

Last year at this time I was starting a version of The Daniel Fast with my church. I had already decided to change my eating habits and planned to use the group support to kick off a 21-day detox of sugar in preparation of following The Paleo Diet as a permanent lifestyle change. In a nutshell, Paleo is a healthy eating plan which includes fish, meats (grass-fed preferred), eggs, vegetables, fruit, seeds and nuts, and excludes grains, legumes(beans, peas), and 'white stuff' ( flour, potatoes, and refined SUGAR) and processed foods. Dairy is also limited. But you can have BACON and real BUTTER. :) It's sometimes known as The Caveman Diet  (for more info go to Eileen's page PaleoSimplified or Google it. There is tons of info out there. )

Now, I have tried to control my weight for over 20 years. Mostly unsuccessfully.  I have tried Weight Watchers (twice), diet pills, HCG, Atkins, Low-fat, Slimfast, phentermine, exercise including Zumba and spinning, personal trainers, and weight lifting at gyms. Many other plans, products and gimmicks that escape me right now. 


So I set the date January 6, 2013, committed myself to start the Fast Challenge at church and follow with The Paleo Plan.  Then for about two weeks I ate like it was my Last Supper. I ate everything and anything I wanted as if it was my last chance to ever taste it again. You can't just throw out cookies and chips after all. I gained 10lbs.  But I was cool with that. I REALLY was focused on eating better and changing bad habits and not on the scale. I knew that weight loss would be a by-product because I was finally going to conquer poor food choices... with God and the Paleo Plan!

And here we are a year later. By standard definitions, I've failed again.  Oh I lost weight. About 40 lbs of weight. From January to June, I ate 'on plan' in 21 day intervals. For 21 days, I would stay away from the exclusions and on Day 22 I would 'cheat' and eat what I wanted. 

I found out quickly that my body LOVED Paleo food and it rebelled on Cheat Days. Cheat food made me sick. My first cheat was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I thought I'd die 30 mins after eating it. Headaches, stomach pain, bloating, joint pain, nausea. It took 2 full days to totally leave my system.

Paleo food gave me energy, curbed hunger, cleared up my allergies, chronic sinus infections, gastro issues and joint pain. I felt really good "on plan". I leaned on the Lord during cravings and read labels.  I persevered and stayed On Plan for 6 months. (Minus 40 lbs. WooHoo!) Gave away all my Fat clothes. 

YES! I finally beat this! It only takes 21 days to break a habit, right? And I stayed on track for 6 months! 

But how long does it take to break an addiction? Apparently, longer than 6 months. :(

Upon reflection, I found a pattern. I start a new diet/eating plan in January.  I feel strong and confident that it's going to be different this time. I throw out all the BAD food in the house ( or eat it) Then diligently follow whatever plan  or diet I am currently trying.  I have some success and feel pretty encouraged.  Then I struggle a little around Easter ( jelly beans, candy, big family dinner) but get back on track shortly after and stay pretty much on track until June. Down 30-40lbs! Woohoo! 

Then the kids get out of school. My schedule changes. Vacation.( You can't diet on vacation. it's vacation! Add 5.) Summer parties. (Add 10.) Summer's over. Kids go back to school. Schedule tightens. Come on, Sheila! You've come too far. Drop those kids at school and Start walking. ( minus 10) Then comes Halloween candy.(add 5) By this point, I've all but completely fallen off the wagon and if I'm lucky have one hand hanging on until Thanksgiving. (add 10) Then comes December. Food. Parties. Stress. Fudge. Christmas Cookies. (add 10).  

And here we are in January again and I am nearly to the pound of where I started one year ago.  I lose and regain the same 30-40 lbs every year. 

So, like I said, technically I failed...again. 

But this year I don't feel totally defeated. I'm not happy about the results but I don't have shame like in the past.  And I think that is because even though my body is the same, my mind and attitude have changed. I have learned some big things that I'll talk about in my next few posts. Things that I think are finally getting me closer to a permanent success.

They are:

1) My body loves me. 

2)  I can eat without counting calories and still lose weight, and not be hungry.

3) I am addicted to sugar.  

4) There's something deeper. And I've been using a shovel, when I really need a backhoe.


If you can relate, I hope you'll stick with me during this journey of writing, self-discovery and beginning again. 

This is the House that Mom Built

In my ever continuing attempts to be more organized, I decided to clean out my Inbox and purge some emails. As I got near the bottom of the list, I came across the  an old email from October that I had 'saved' in my Inbox. ( My organized computer geek hubby would sigh and tell me to 'save' in a SAVED folder and how simple it is to create a file folder and label it Inspiration or something if I've wanted to save it for 3 months, but that's not how I roll. :)  I can do that. Ya, doesn't happen.. but I digress.)  Anyway, a dear friend had forwarded a daily message she receives from a site called Two Listeners. I'm not sure specifically what was going on in my life just then, but probably some worry about my two high schoolers, and if they were listening in my attempts to prepare them for life.  Or maybe it was a prayer request for strength as I worried if my 20 year old was surviving in Army Basic Training without the guidance of Mom and Dad and no real evidence of his own personal relationship with the Lord. As he faced the challenges of training, and the first time away from home, was he scared, lonely, struggling, doubtful??  I knew life was hard enough for me having God to talk to and an understanding that He was guiding me and with me. How hard must it be for my son if he doesn't know he can pray for strength and wisdom?? DOES he know??? Of course I had told them all these things and modeled them the best that I could. But was it in one ear and out the other? Is Mom just a weird Jesus Freak?  At 16, 17 and 20, it's somewhat normal for the kids to question things and fight to find their own identity in all areas, including faith. Still a Mama worries. Did I do/ Am I doing enough? Did I do too much and turn them off in some way? Does my example of consistent church attendance (alone, without the rest of the family), and leading a weekly Bible study even matter? Have I been a good friend, and generous enough? Did I show good character and faith and seek the log in my own eye more than the speck in others? After all, I'm still growing in my faith and strengthening my own beliefs!  All the shoulda couldas, what-ifs, oh- I -messed- that -up come rolling in.  See, I have been a Believer all my life, but really didn't become a Follower until about 3 years ago. So there was some Sunday school, some Vacation Bible School, some prayers, some Jesus talk in our house, some of Dad's Catholic religion background( and the scars), and some of mine( or lack thereof), but not much solid as I reflected in my less than rose-colored hindsight. Wait! Wait! Can I start over? I'd do things differently now... <sigh> Mamas worry.    When the birdies start getting ready to fly and you have less and less time for flying lessons, these things tend to feel urgent. At least they did/do for me. So, I can guess in that moment of insecurity, my friend was trying to provide comfort and an answer to the questions I still ask myself ...  Am I really making any long-term difference in the formation of their faith? And will I ever see the day when my whole family would show evidence of a strong  and personal, individual relationship with Christ? Can I trust, believe, pray, and wait for that time to come?  Here's what she sent... Home Building

You are building up an unshakable faith. Be furnishing the quiet places of your souls now. Fill them with all that is harmonious and good, beautiful, and enduring. Home-build in the Spirit now, and the waiting time will be well spent. But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost.  Jude 1:20 I thought and prayed about the message. Our kids are at the age where their faith must become theirs. Their beliefs must become their own and their relationship with God is a choice they have to make for themselves.  I got the picture of a Bachelor pad/ First Apartment versus a Home. When you start out, your furnishings are a mismatch. Mostly what others give you. Nothing goes together. Its not reflective of "you". You don't really have a style. Or your style is garage sale or Mama's attic.  Maybe a few solid heirloom type pieces. The chair from the family room. Grandma's chest chest. But as we grow and mature and develop ourselves and our style, we furnish our homes with our tastes, things we bought. Items that cost us something personally. And we set down roots for our own children.  But our house doesn't look like our parent's house. And it doesn't look like Grandmas house. We choose OUR colors, OUR furnishings. OUR Home develops it's own signature scent. Sure, those pieces from Mom and Grandma remain but now we are the Moms and Grandmas and we need our faith to be solid so it can be taken as a cornerstone when it's time.  Just like the mismatched furnished dwelling, when we are young, our faith is made up largely of others thoughts, ideas. What has been given to us. Good, bad, or lacking. If we are lucky, we get a chest full of Grandma's wisdom. Or we take with a us a comfy, well-worn chair that reminds us we are loved. But as we mature, we have to build our own Faith, decide what we believe and how we will live, make our own decisions, and take responsibility for our choices as an adult. So let's remember we are each responsible to maintain (and remodel when necessary), our own 'home' where Jesus dwells. Because ultimately, we stand in front of the Father on our own.   Romans 14:11,12 “For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.” -  Just like I can't go to college with my baby and tell the professor that "He's a good boy, he just slept in." They can't stand before God with me and say " It's her fault I didn't seek You. This is the House that Mom Built. Don't judge me, judge her." Oh, I WILL be judged. But on my own and they the same. So, yes, we continue to be the example to our kids, remembering that actions speak louder than words and they are watching.  Yes, we have a responsibility in raising our kids.  Yet, at some point,  it is they who must FURNISH their own homes, and let Jesus dwell in the House that They Built.