Eating Invisible Cake

It makes no logical sense. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Roman 7:15


Eating Well:  I feel physically better when I eat well. Young. My energy level soars. My gut feels better. I don't need allergy medicine. My chronic sinus infections go away.My mood is better. I look better and feel sexier and can fit into my jeans.That improves confidence and that affects my everything! I want to be out in the world talking to people. I'm Tiny and Shiny and I feel like this guy.

Eating Poorly: I feel physically tired, sluggish. Old. My joints ache. I feel bloated. My head is stuffy, and my skin is itchy. I look frumpy and I feel less than sexy and can't fit into my clothes. That destroys my confidence and that affects my everything. I feel shame and want to hide from the world. I am depressed and pensive and feel like this guy.

I am on a journey this year to figure out more of the puzzle of why I keep circling this mountain.

The first is a realization and admission that there is an addictive element to this. This isn't JUST about perseverance and will power. I'm not sure what it is totally about for me, (likely a variety of things), but like an alcoholic that drinks even after he's destroyed his marriage and gotten a DUI and lost his job and ruined his liver, all the negative consequences are not enough to stop me from choosing unhealthy foods. And even if I DO manage to make a healthy choice, I want the bad foods.

A few months ago I heard this news,
"In depth studies show that consuming SUGAR has the same effects on the body as taking HEROIN and COCAINE."
Sugar produces the same "high," dependence, cravings, and withdrawal symptoms as illegal drugs"



Really? SUGAR? Comparable to heroin, or cocaine? On one hand, I can believe it. I picture myself in the times I have decided " WE need to eat healthier. So NO MORE JUNK" and thrown out all the sweet stuff in the house. There is nothing but fruits and veggies to be found. Then *I* NEED a sugar "fix' and scour the pantry only to have to settle for baking supplies. 

A half a bag of chocolate chips. Or in true desperation,  palms full of  rainbow sprinkles that are left behind from the last batch of birthday cupcakes. Or a nasty squirt of chocolate syrup right down the throat that likens me to a desperate drunk drinking mouthwash. 

I recall the frustration I feel with myself when I have had a healthy meal, been full and satisfied but still need a little "something" and go looking for dessert. Only to find it, eat it, and then feel sick because I was full in the first place. So, I have a sweet tooth. I'm a woman. We NEED chocolate. That's not addiction, right? 

Then I recalled the time I was on a diet and ate an invisible piece of cake. Yes. Invisible cake.

I had read some crazy idea of battling cravings with visualization. Pretending to eat a food that you are trying to avoid could be as satisfying as the real thing! Oh the power of the mind...

So yes, I stood in the kitchen with a real plate and fork, eating an invisible piece of chocolate cake with rich chocolate icing. Imagining the taste and texture and chewing calorie-free air.

That was the action of a desperate woman right there. And Thank God food is legal...because I'm just saying... I ate invisible cake. 

Ok. So I'm crazy. But an addict?

Addiction: noun
a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol ) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal;broadly :  persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

1. compulsive- can't stop even if you want to  Yep.
2. characterized by tolerance- I can "tolerate" lots of sugar before I feel sick. Check.
3. withdrawal- When I deny myself sugar, I get headaches, and crankiness as I "detox".
4. User knows it to be harmful- DUH.

Yep. Me and biblical Paul...and everyone else in the world.

We all have something we struggle with. Maybe you don't need to eat invisible cake. Maybe it's true substance addiction in the common sense. Or maybe it's addiction to drama, self-doubt, negative thinking, gossip, anger, shopping, social media.

Call them what you want. Bad habits, tendencies, bends...sin. We all have something that takes up too much mind space, and causes us frustration and shame...whatever keeps us circling the mountain, because For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 

As they say, the first step in solving a problem is admitting it. So I admit it. I will not shame or condemn myself or be labeled by it, but it's time to get real. 

Hi. My Name is Sheila and I'm a Sugar Addict. 

The Four Words I Will Never Say Again.

Have you seen the commercial for the diet pills where there is a husband and wife in a cartoon form and the wife say something like " My husband and I decided to cut out junk food. I lost one size. My husband lost 6 sizes and well,..." and then the husband's waist shrinks dramatically and his pants fall off revealing some heart covered boxers?

Well, I think a lot of us remember that commercial because we can laugh and cry about it. We laugh because it is so true. And we cry because some people, women especially, seem to have to fight for every pound of weight loss. Others, especially men, can just decide to cut out a couple sodas a week and lose 10 lbs.

As I said in my last blog post, I have been trying to manage(lose and maintain loss) my weight for 20 years. I have really put in a LOT of money, time and effort and year after year I lose and gain and each year the number gets higher and higher. It is more than frustrating to try and fail, over and over again.  But as I said last time, Failure IS an Option , as long as you learn something along the way.

What is also frustrating is that the "rules" keep changing.

"Eat low fat. Fat makes you fat".
"No! Don't eat low fat, they take out fat and add more sugar. Fat is not the enemy, sugar is.  Sugar makes you fat. Just eat healthy fats."

"Whole grains are healthy. Buy whole grains!"
"No, No! Whole grains are not healthy. Wheat causes inflammation. GMO's! Stay away from grains. Low carb is the way to go!"

"You only need to exercise 3 times a week for 30 minutes. A brisk walk is the best exercise and all you really need."
"Nope. You need to lift weights and build muscle along with cardio. And you need to do this in a very specific pattern for muscle strength, fat loss, and heart health."

While there is some truth in all of it, the "which-way-is- the- wind- blowing- today" health advice makes me want to SCREAM!!!! And then go eat chocolate. ( Is chocolate good or bad today?)

It also made me hate naturally thin women. And gym people. And my husband who decided to "lay off Mt. Dew" two weeks and lost 12 lbs. And myself.

There is nothing worse, especially for a rule follower like me, to think you are doing the "RIGHT" thing, and get negative results and then find out from an expert that you have been doing it all wrong.

This craziness created a pattern in me and a negative, defeatist mindset. I needed an excuse or reason for my failings and lack of results. And just look around. So-and-So lost 30lbs on low-carb. And Suzy Q just cut some calories and she looks great. And skinny Minnie eats McDonald's every day and just walks around the track while her kids play soccer twice a week.

And since I'm following the rules,  The next logical conclusion is...

MY BODY HATES ME. 

What else could it be? It was the only explanation I could come up with. I was trying SO hard and getting minimal results. "My body just wants to be fat." led to  "So, why should I even try?"

____________________________________ 

These are the kinds of LIES that come to rob and steal joy like a thief in the night. 

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I was lying in the bathtub one night  looking down at my imperfectly naked body. My eyes started at my wiggling toes glossed in a chipped red paint called Mistress. As my eyes moved up my body I began to think differently about what I saw.

My tiny feet and thick ankles.
My chubby knees and large, lumpy thighs.
That can walk everyday fairly effortlessly and through the entire park of Universal Studios for 12 hrs. They can climb, and jump and run, too.

My wide hips and the spread of my backside.
That my hubby still playfully swats as I walk past him. That shake and shimmy as I dance to a favorite song.

My c-section scar that runs from hip bone to hip bone.
That is the marking of the pathway for the birth of my three children. 

My flabby stretch mark covered tummy.
That stretched and held and protected my babies as they grew inside my womb. That my toddlers used to pat  with two little hands as they looked up at me to get my attention." Mommy. Mommy." Pat. Pat. Pat.

My sagging breasts that are less toward my chin and more toward my armpits.
That nursed those three children but are still full and round and look sexy in a proper bra.

I looked at my arms.
That hug friends, and carry groceries, and still don't fit around my husband's broad back.

I looked at my hands.
That have taught children to write and placed bandages on boo-boos. Hands that have cleaned and scrubbed and made 1000's of meals. Hands that have been covered in flour, and glitter and vomit. Hands that come together to pray and raise high in worship. Hands that look like my mother's.

I used those hands to wash my face. Warm water splashed over it. Over my eyes and lips.
I can see. And I can hear, and I can talk and talk and talk. And laugh.

Water dripped from my nose.
I can breathe and smell.

I brushed hair out my eyes and off of my face.
 Thick and soft hair and had been every style, length and color.

I looked at a body that, for the most part, has been healthy and hasn't let me down. A body that is a vessel for me to be who I am and be out in the world doing what I am placed here to do. Equipped.

I felt sorry that I had been so mean to my body. And that I had talked badly about it and taken it for granted. And I apologized to the Creator for ever thinking He would create something that "hated" me.

I still don't always do what's best for my body. I still don't always like what I see in the mirror or bathtub. And I still struggle to be consistent with healthy choices in diet and exercise.

I still get REALLY frustrated when the "rules" change AGAIN. ( I lost my mind when a Facebook friend recently commented on my Kale chips picture that some people with thyroid problems shouldn't eat kale chips.  WHAT?!? Now KALE CHIPS are bad? They are freaking green vegetables! I was nearly homocidial.)

But I have a new appreciation for my body. Just the way it is. And when I get frustrated I think about what I used to say. Those four words that are a lie and will never come out of my mouth again because I don't believe that lie anymore.

My body is a gift and it DOES NOT hate me.




*I hope that you will try to change your perspective despite how you look and what you like or don't like about your body. Stick with me here on Oh Snickelfritz! as we support each other in truths. 
Love, Sheila